How To Keep Crying Babies And Obnoxious Kids From Bothering You
9 Comments Published by Brandon June 15th, 2007 in General Advice, Tips and AdviceI came across an article today on how to keep babies and annoying kids in places they don’t belong to go somewhere else. 
Being young and unmarried with a dog that I only take to places where she’s invited, I have to say I find myself being annoyed way too often by kids with behavioral issues/bad parents, or parents taking babies to places where they don’t belong (ie.. bars after 8 PM). I suppose the article is a little tongue-in-cheek, but I’m sure it works:
Long ago, I learned a single sentence that sends obnoxious juniors away from me as fast as their little legs will carry them. Here it is:
Lean over to the child’s watcher and, as politely as you possibly can, just say, “According to the terms of my parole, I’m not really supposed to be this close to children”. Mom, Dad, or whoever they pawned off their hell-spawn onto will immediately grab the little devil and exit your presence!! I’ve done this about a dozen times and it always works. When you speak the magic words, say them as normally and friendly as you can muster and the resulting freak-out effect will be even greater.
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That is the greatest thing I have ever heard.
Too funny, though I don’t know if I could bring myself to actually say it.
You’re a total dick. We were all crying babies once…
@dad
Hey pops, thanks for stopping by. I don’t think you read the post close enough, I specifically mentioned bad parents with children who have behavioral issues, not all babies.
That is a very disturbing line, and may backfire on you one of these days as they lead you out of the establishment in handcuffs.
However, I do feel your pain. I can’t stand obnoxious children either. Which I why I don’t eat in restaurants after 6:30pm with my children ages infant and 3. I have them in my neighborhood. Children have no business (especially toddlers) running around the legs of the wait staff who could hurt them or the other guests.
@ATL Momma
Even most of my dining experiences were ruined this weekend by badly behaving kids. It seems like I see fewer and fewer well behaved kids at restaurants and public places, and perhaps it’s because for the reason you cite– said children are annoying other parents!
For instance, at breakfast today, there was a family with three children seated at a nearby table.. screaming, throwing food everywhere, etc. I felt really bad for the people who had to clean-up after them.. what a mess! I seriously have nothing against kids– I’m an uncle many times over, but it seems like people just don’t raise them with respect these days or something…
That’s awesome! I could pull it off too, cause I’m a master at the emotionless voice. However, what if they call Chris Hansen on you?
“That is a very disturbing line, and may backfire on you one of these days as they lead you out of the establishment in handcuffs.
However, I do feel your pain. I can’t stand obnoxious children either. Which I why I don’t eat in restaurants after 6:30pm with my children ages infant and 3. I have them in my neighborhood. Children have no business (especially toddlers) running around the legs of the wait staff who could hurt them or the other guests.” – ATL Momma
Seems these days parents act as if they’ll call the police, simply if you say their children act undesirable. Hey, if they’re going to threaten people who don’t want to be around children with claims they’re child-hating monsters. Might as well behave like one.
I feel the same way about you… but I think there’s something I hate even more..
and it’s the mothers!!!
They seem to think they have the right to:
change baby diapers in the restaurant table next to you…
make you have to stand baby’s crying when you’re at the movies…
make you make faces and talk with stupid voice to baby in question to make him/her/it happy…
stick out their boobs to feed baby where there are special rooms designed for mothers to take care of babies’ hygiene and feeding (for example, shopping malls) …
go to your house for a visit and make you take your pets and put them under lock in another room because they don’t want your cat or dog near the baby…
get everywhere late with any motherly stupid excuse…
and the list goes on and on and applies to mothers with little babies, toddlers and young kids… when they reach 8 or 9 years old the mothers can’t stand the kids anymore and yell at them all the time but before that… it’s the baby vs.you… and you know what their choice is going to be
hell, if a child can’t stand you he/she will make sure to let you know by biting you, throwing things at you, making faces to you, spitting you, cursing you, stepping on your feet on purpose, ruining your sofa or breaking anything in your house… but you… you never have the right to say any bad thing about the child, you have to stand it no matter what or you’ll be taken as an unsocial monster.
Yes, we’ve all been kids once,…BUT OUR PARENTS GAVE US EDUCATION AND TAUGHT US TO BEHAVE AND LOVE THOSE AROUND US